the all-giving mother

My baby has a hole in his heart. It is called ASD: atrium septum defect. He needs to have an open-heart operation. It is unthinkable. Especially since it has to happen in that hospital which I already hate. He was born there. Not a nice birth. They have left me completely alone, with my partner (about that later). My baby was born with the vacuum pomp. Directly after birth he did not cry, I thought he was dead. They took him away immediately. He stayed 9 days in the IC department. All this would not have been so bad if I was well-informed throughout, and supported emotionally, but I was not. My stay in that hospital was a nightmare (more about it later).

Now they have recently discovered this heart defect. He has to go back to the same hospital where he was born. One of the best of the country. But I am afraid of going there. I doubt the staff, I doubt the doctors, I doubt the nurses. Especially the nurses who treated me as if I was an unpolite, demanding, neurotic bitch after the birth.

Now, I am in therapy about all this. When she heard about the new challenge my therapist gave me a letter, for the cardiologist of my baby, where it says that I have been already traumatised in similar circumstances and that this operation risks to re-traumatise me. The doctor said: ok. It does not really make a difference if he is operated now or over two months or even over one year. Prepare yourself for the difficult times ahead. Finish your therapy. When you feel you can do this, we put your baby on the waiting list.

Fine. Nice doctor. I felt seen and heard. I do not know to what extend he was impressed by the official letter, signed by a colleague. After all, the psychotherapist is also a doctor of sorts.

Not everybody reacts like that. It happened already twice that I told my story to people (trusted people, loved poeple), this story, and they let me talk, but I see a cloud over their faces as I go on. They gently try to let me see that the baby should go first, my feelings later. I am a strong, grown-up woman, he is just a small vulnerable being totally dependend on my decission. They do not directly say I am doing bad to wait. They do not say I am an egoist. They just imply that I should rethink. That I should re-prioritise.

I do not get it. If medically it does not make a diference, and I trust the doctor that it does not, why should I not take care of myself and my feelings? Why should I not make sure that I am ok first? Like in the airplane: the oxygen mask for me first and only then for my child. And I really need that oxygen. How can it be that someone who hears me and sees me, does not understand that? What good am I to my baby if I colapse as a result of his operation and I am no use to him in the difficult post-operatory period?

The good old all-giving mother myth...... Sticking its ugly head where I least expected it. By people I trust, by people I love. No wonder I feel very alone.