body and mind

I can not sleep again. It has not happened in quite some time. It makes sense that I can not sleep. I had yesterday a "body and mind" shock dosis.

I have been to a school reunion. It´s been two years since I finished my dance movement therapy classes. So two years since I haven´t talked and danced with my dear colleagues. After two years of dancing, experiencing and learning together we grew quite close. So a reunion seemed like a nice idea. It was, too. Only it came in a shock dosis.

We had a dance workshop for three hours. I enjoyed it immensely, but my body is not used to so much movement anymore. I got pregnant very soon after we finished the classes, actually I believe I was unknowingly already pregnant at the time of the last intensive week of school (it is a part-time training so it goes in blocks of intensive training). During the pregnancy I still moved, went to workshops and dance classes and did my intership, up tot the 8th months. David is 18 months old, plus the two last months of pregnancy, I have not done much body work for almost two years.

It went very well, the dancing, today, only I guess I produced enough adrenaline to keep me awake for one week. It feels like it.

Moreover, my mind has been shaken too. It was not pleasant for me to be faced with the fact that almost all my former colleagues finished their master research and found a job. Meanwhile, I have been for two years now unplugged from any sort of paid work, official function, intellectual endevour. The last drop was to hear that one of my colleagues got the job that I have recently applied for, and was rejected. It was my first attempt to get a dance therapy job, so I was not so easily disheartened when I got the negative answer, but I did not know who actually got the job. The fact that it was one of my colleagues makes it more difficult, because it shows that I have been actually so close! They did not take a dance therapist with much more work experience as I imagined. They took someone like me, so it could have been easily me!

Now, why did she get it and not me? It could be related to any sort of subjective reasons related to the interviewer, but there are also some objective facts to face. She fninishe her master research. She did her intership at the same place as me, but continued much longer after the moment that I had to stop becasue I was getting embarasingly out of proportions and could not move confortably anymore with my big belly.

Conclusion, if I did not have a baby, I could have had this job. That has been my dream and my big plan for so many years: to be a dance therapist. I am not there yet. I could have been there.

I guess I am not the first nor the last womanmother that asks herself where she would have been had she not have had the child. Propbably it is a typical question, even. I guess also we do not talk so loud about this.

However, for the fairness, being a mother, having a child, has also been my live´s dream. Maybe for even longer than my ambitious plan to change my career in mid-air and become a dance movement therapist. So it is easy to settle down with the fact that you can not have everything in life.

One of my life dreams and big plans has come to fruition. I am a mother! I have a beautiful lovely boy. I can only hope that this does not exclude the other big dream and that I will ever become a dance therapist, too.

A "body and mind" worker.

Maybe I could sleep now with that settlement and that hope.