help

Before I gave birth, even before i was pregnant, I had been busy creating a network, a safety net. I like people and people like me. I made friends and I met people because I like to do it, but also with an eye on the future. If I get a baby, who could help out? Who will be there for me? Who would accept me with flaws and weaknesses? Who I can call at any time? Who can I be sincere with about my dark moments?

So I knew life with a baby can be tough. I was preparing for it. When David was on the way, I was confident I had built my network.

So, what happened then? How did I end up so alone?

This happened some time ago: My baby was two months old, I think. First headache, after weeks of interrupted sleep? It is 8 AM, my partner just left for work (without looking back once) and I am upstairs in the bedroom crying. I am changing the baby and preparing him for the day. I have a splitting headache and I feel nauseaous. I can not take care of him, I need to sleep.

Who can I call?

One friend just became pregnant, she sleeps most of the time and for the other part of the time she feels like throwing up. At her home her partner answers the phone in a very quiet voice. He is about to leave for work. She has just fallen asleep, after a terrible night, he will not wake her up, I do understand her situation, don´t I? I don´t even tell him why I called, I make it sound as if I was just checking how she was. Another friend is at home, but has to take the kids to school. And then, she has to bring them back from school. In between, she planned to clean the house. She could come by, for an hour of so, she could manage to squeeze it in. But it woun´t help. I need someone right now and for more than one hour. Another friend of mine is at work. Pitty it is not Friday, cause she is free on Fridays. Another friend has two older boys. She said I could always count on her, but today she has a problem. She wants to close her business. There have been conflicts with the associates. It is a bad moment, but let us organise respite care for you in the weekend. I know how it is, she says, the sleepless nights, I had them with my youngest. I do not need respite care in the weekend, I need it now.

I end up calling the cleaning lady. She is an economic imigrant from a poorer country. She is sustaining her man and two grown-up sons with what she earns cleaning houses of other more established imigrants (like me). She needs money and she is eager to work. She is doing a good job with the cleaning. I ask her: do you need work today? Do you want to work for me today? I need help with the baby. I come, she says. At 9 AM she is at the door. I pass her the baby, show her the powder milk and nappies and trod off to the spare bedroom to sleep. Which I happily do until 2PM. When I wake up my headache is gone. I feel ok. I just worry about how much money I have to pay for 5 hours of good sleep. The baby is doing fine. The cleaning lady offers to stay longer. She could cook for me, she says. No, thank you, I am fine now, I can manage from here. I do not dare to tell her that I can not afford her anylonger. I could use a warm meal and I love the food of her country, but sleeping well AND eating well is a luxury for womanmother. For now I have to do with having slept.